Monthly Archives: September 2012
If a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse
when he is trying to help.
[Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions]
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband,
thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.
He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.
For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day.
She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.
She says, “There is so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself.”
Tom says, “You should quit that job. You don’t have to work so hard.
Find something you like to do.”
Mary says, “But I like my job.
They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.”
Tom says, “Don’t listen to them. just do what you can do.”
Mary says, “I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.”
Tom says, “Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.”
Mary says, “Do you know what she is going through? She needs me.”
Tom says, “You worry too much, that’s why you’re so unhappy.”
Mary angrily says, “I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?”
Tom says, “I am listening.”
Mary says, “Why do I even bother?”
After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than
when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship.
Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong.
He wanted to help, but his problem solving tactics didn’t work.
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn’t understand how important it was just to listen
without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions
when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy,
seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.
Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings
would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians
and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.
When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different.
They sound like this:
Mary says, “There is so much to do. I have no time for me.”
Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says,
“Humph, sounds like you had a hard day.”
Mary says, “They expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.
I don’t know what to do.”
Tom pauses and then says, ” “Hmmm.”
Mary says, “I even forgot to call my aunt.”
Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, “Oh, no.”
Mary says, “She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.”
Tom says, “You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug.”
Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relife.
She then says, “I love talking with you. You make me really happy.
Thanks for listening. I feel much better.”
Not only Mary but also Tom felt better.
He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen.
With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening
without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting
without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
Women are from Venus and men are from Mars so it’s no surprise that we
sometimes run into a few difficulties when trying to co-exist on Earth.
There are some key behavioural traits you should avoid flaunting if you
want to avoid relationship meltdown. Here are five of the most common
relationship faux pas:
Relationship mistake 1:
Expecting a fairy tale
A common pitfall is to treat your relationship as though it exists in a fairytale and
then fly off the handle at the slightest blip when you realise you’re back in reality.
We grew up believing that relationships were all about the perfect man, the perfect
woman and a love story punctuated by a choir of singing mice – thanks for that,
Cinderella – but it’s important to make the transition between fiction and reality if
your relationship is to run smoothly. Expecting sparkling carriages and perfect
women in our relationships sounds great but makes for a pretty disappointing
shock when we find ourselves dealing with arguments and our other half’s
morning breath. Keep your fictional mindset at bay when it comes to relationships
and you will avoid one serious love life blunder.
Relationship mistake 2:
When it comes to relationship mistakes, cheating is a serious deal breaker. Once
the dirty deed has been done the relationship has been tainted and you’re either
a liar or a cheat, depending on whether you confess or not. If your partner cheats
and you’re the victim, it’s going to lead to feelings of resentment, upset and anger,
which isn’t a great foundation for a long and happy relationship. Cheating isn’t
pleasant for either party and it certainly isn’t an ingredient in the recipe for a l
oving relationship. If you’re thinking about doing the dirty on your significant other,
you probably shouldn’t be together in the first place.
Relationship Mistake 3:
Not having a life of your own
Your relationship should enhance your life, not rule it, and feeling that
you are unable to enjoy your time away from your other half suggests
that your relationship is ruling your life. Other common indicators of
this are that your plans are always dictated by what your partner is doing,
you’re not seeing your friends and family as much as you used to and your
future goals have taken a back seat. As much as you may love spending
time together, too much of it can leave you both feeling fed up and eventually
lead to feelings of resentment. While it’s important to make special time for
your relationship, you also need to make sure you have time apart to miss
each other and live your own lives – this makes it even more special when
you see each other again and share the experiences you had when you were apart.
Relationship mistake 4:
Thinking of snooping through your partner’s texts or having a sneaky
peek at their Facebook messages? Hold your horses, because this is a
whopping relationship mistake. Anyone who looks through their partner’s
private messages or emails risks making their partner feel smothered and
as though they can’t be trusted. This behavior rarely ends well either;
snoopers have a habit of reading between the lines (or the texts, in this case)
and blowing things out of proportion. A text from your partner to their boss –
who happens to be a member of the opposite sex – that reads “okay , see you later”
doesn’t mean “can’t wait to meet you for that hot date tonight” as it would through
a snooper’s eyes. If you feel like you need to pry into your partner’s business,
your relationship is headed for the rocks. If your partner is snooping on you,
it may be time to have a word with them.
relationship mistake no:5
When you first met your partner, you were attracted to their laid back
personality and ability to help you relax when you’re usually running
around like a headless chicken. Now, you can’t get them up off the
sofa to clean up their mess and you’re starting to wish your other half
wasn’t so lazy. It’s common to start resenting the things that first attracted
you to your partner as you advance into the relationship, but you either
have to learn to live with it or part ways. If not, you end up trying to change
that person by nagging at them all the time, which eventually leads to
resentment and can grind you both down. While it may be worth having a
word with your partner about what’s annoying you, you can’t make them
change unless they really want to.
I am a senior manager who has been given a mandate to reduce my workforce. I have to choose the employees to be fired from my team this week. No matter what I tell them, they will feel hurt and curse me for wreaking havoc on their families and their careers. How do I deal with this guilt and make it less painful for all of us
In the Mahabharata, when the Pandava brothers inherit a forest, Khandava-prastha, and want to build on it a great city, named Indra-prastha, the city of Indra, Krishna says, “Then burn the forest. Set aflame every plant, every animal, every bird and every bee. Offer them to agni. “When the Pandavas express their horror at the suggestion, Krishna says, “Then do not dream of a city.”
Hunger (bhook) demands food (bhog).Consumption demands sacrifice (bali). Sacrifice has consequences (karma).This is the bitter pill of life that a leader has to swallow if he wants to build Indra-prastha.
If the company is not doing well, if the revenue is not up to the mark, if the profits are not as expected, the costs will be cut. It is terrible that the situation has now reached a point that people have to lose jobs. It will be painful. There will be no escape.
The pain is not so much the loss of a job, but the impact that has on self-image, self-worth and self-esteem of the person losing the job. For it makes the person feel he is less worthy and less competent than those whose jobs were not cut. He will feel he is lowest in the pecking order. The psychological impact is terrible. So as senior manager, it is important to ensure that while you break the contract, you do not destroy their relationship with you. You have to ensure the dignity of the men and women concerned are maintained, remind them that the job is cut not because they are inferior but because things are just not working out with the company. Avoid the inhuman pink-slip practices common in many multinational companies where a person is consciously humiliated by being escorted out by security personnel and asked to collect their belongings at the gate.
The Vedic scriptures say that every person has three bodies: the physical body (sthula sharira),the mental body (sukshma sharira) and the social body (karana sharira).The physical body is what we see, the mental body is what we imagine ourselves to be and the social body is our location in society and organisation. When a person is being fired, the social body is dying but like old clothes discarded, it will be replaced by a new body. You as senior manager have to ensure that the death of the social body does not kill the mental body.
Your guilt is rooted in your own fear. The idea that you too could well be at the receiving end of such a gesture terrifies you. The consumer fears being consumed. You see this task as a burden you have to bear as a senior manager of the company. You do not see it as a necessary act for the good of the company with an unfortunate consequence. You see yourself as a victim of an organisational demand and a villain in the eyes of your team. But these are mental images that we construct in fear. In fear,the rest of your team will work harder, terrified that they will be next. This is unavoidable. In crisis, fear grips organisations. As senior manager, you have to acknowledge this fear, clarify what is and what is not in your control or influence, and avoid sweeping emotions under the carpet.